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Old Apr 06, 2012, 09:34 PM
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Chopin99 Chopin99 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2009
Location: Southeastern US
Posts: 5,221
I was sitting here at home watching a movie right now with H and some friends, but my mind wandered to my last few therapy sessions, things that have happened in my life recently, and things that have happened on the forum in the past week. My brain finally cut through the crap, the pain of my past, and bad choices I've made; and then I came to a powerful realization.

I am going to heal. I finally believe it. In my head AND my heart.

1. Boundaries I have set are working overall.
2. I'm being told I'm NOT butt-ugly; I'm starting to think I look okay.
3. I realize exactly how much my boss trusts me; if my next work project fails, the company could go under.
4. I am starting to see myself as a person of inherent, God-given worth and developing a sense of "self" for the first time in almost 35 years.
5. I am caring less and less about what other people think of me.
6. I am beginning to stand up for myself; my confidence has increased.

I realize that T really does love me. Enough to hurt me when she had to. Enough that when she had to hurt me, it hurt her. I thought back to session yesterday and talking about the "long hug" boundary. I looked at the thread from that session. At the end of that session, I started to walk out without hugging her at all. I figured I made her personally, physically uncomfortable (possibly due to my bisexuality), but she said, "Chopin, I still want to hug you." When she let go, she said, "Do you know I mean it when I say I only want what's best for you?" As I look back on this moment with a sense of clarity, I realize what was on her face was sadness. She hated knowing she hurt me, but she did it for my own good because I really was stuck. When I told her, "The adult in me appreciates that more than any hug you could ever give me," her eyes teared up. All that was even with me thinking she was personally uncomfortable with me. After talking about it in session yesterday, I now understand it had nothing to do with that; she didn't mind holding me at all. Yesterday, I understood exactly what she meant when she said she only wants what's best for me. Her love for her clients is sacrificial. I saw yesterday how invested she is in my healing. I trust her. Despite the mistakes. She's as human as I am, her therapy style is very human, and it's working...it's finally working...because I'm allowing it to.

How did I get this freaking blessed?
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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau
Hugs from:
anonymous112713, Anonymous33425, Anonymous47147, shipping, SpiritRunner
Thanks for this!
sconnie892, shipping, SpiritRunner