You're practicing self-care strategies which is great. You should be proud of yourself, I hope you are, or get to be soon. I don't have any other suggestions, but I would like to add my 2c: I once punished a bf, honestly, I treated him horribly for a yr, but it wasn't coz I took pleasure in it. I was scared to trust him again, and thought that if he stuck around thru THAT then he must be serious about being sorry... Not 1 of my proudest moments,but anger and fear are a strange combo, so yeah, that's the gist of it.
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I'm rooting for you, praying you emerge unscathed