So, I havent been around here in a while. Sometimes I read over the stuff, keep up with a few people I have had somewhat close contact with. Alot has been going on, and as of recent I have no one to turn to. Everyone is mad at me for hurting myself: my parents, my roommate, my friends, a guy i was dating, my psych, my Pdoc. I tried to kill myself yet again on wed night, and got caught again, What scares me is that this time it was definately more intentional than the first. I know this probably sounds horrible and brings everyone down, but I always thought that after having a close call with death by my own hand, that some sort of epiphany would come to me, and I would realize how many people cared about me and needed me. But it's only encouraged me. The first time I was put in the hospital. I met some nice people, but they did absolutely nothing for me in the way of making me feel better. Took me off some medications, which I was then put back on again by my doc. I always told myself that if i ever got to the point where I had to go the hospital, that that would be as low as I could possibly go.

Well, in the past few days I've cashed harder than I EVER have. Tried to kill myself again, but this time I even went past my tame sleeping pills, to the serious stuff. The stash that I have kept since I was 13 (im 19 now). This is what scares me, because this stuff could kill me so easily (seeing as it is barbituates and potent pain pills and such). I only took these after I had taken the other, but I came to the realization that I really didnt care anymore. I took some with my parents waiting outside the door of my bathroom after having to come over and potentially take me to the hospital again.
The main trigger I have is the idea that my doctors have even given up on me. Is anyone else triggered SO severely by this idea as I am. It makes me feel so needy and petty, but I usually do drastic things only after I have talked to my Pdocs and Therapist on that same day, because I get the feeling that they barely even know who I am and have no real hope that they can do anything for me. Now my therapist has redeemed herself time and time again, I know she really cares for me. But she was so mad at me when I saw her today because I talked to her just before I took the pills, and failed to say anything to her. Shes mad because I wont let her help me. I understand this. And she understands how much I am triggered by feeling neglected by her and my Pdoc. Thing is, my parents talked to my pdoc on wed night, which ended with him adamently telling my parents that he would call and talk to me EARLY the next morning. So I waited all day for his call. Even called his office and left a messae for him to call me later on thurs. So, here I am at 8:30 on friday night and he has yet to call me. This is so disenchanting, almost encouraging. It feels like he is blanantly saying that my attempts are petty, and something to be ignored and dismissed. Maybe he;s mad at me, maybe he really doesnt even know who I am or even care. Should I be really offended/concerned by the fact that he hasnt called me? Am I overreacting? This really makes me want to find another doc, but I dont want to give up because i think i have the potential to like him and have been seeing him since September. But anyways, I was just looking for some advice from anyone here, since you all have helped me in the past, and apparently no one else is concerned with my well-being in my immediate life.

-Kelly-