I haven't injured for 3 days now, and for me, that it is a pretty big accomplishment (I was SIing a couple times a day). But, now the urges are super strong. I took Friday and Monday off work and am enjoying my time off. Normally I wouldn't think twice about giving into the urges, but I promised my husband that I wouldn't injure while I was taking the time off work. My husband worries that I SI at home because in the past, down time has been a big trigger for me. I really don't want to give in because I am trying to convience him that I could go part time and keep myself safe while at home alone.

I am having urges to break my arm. I haven't ever SIed by breaking a bone, so I know that would really freak him out. I have taken a hammer to my arm once but I stopped before I broke my arm (ended up with a large bruise). Since it was winter, I was able to hide it from my husband.

I know the urges are because I feel so out of control right now. Next Wednesday I start STEPPS, which is a psychoed class for people with borderline personality disorder. It is during the work day, so I had to take a partial FMLA leave for work to go to it. The closer it gets, the more nervous I get about it. Thankfully I have T on Tuesday, so I'm sure we will talk about the group and what to expect. Also in the last month, my husband and I went to an infertility doctor and had all the infertility tests done since we haven't been able to get pregnant. We have another consultation appointment on the 17th because we found out that we need to do artificial insemination. Between STEPPS and all the infertility stuff, I just feel so out of control. I really wish I would have done the infertility stuff before STEPPS, but it is too late now. If I don't start STEPPS next week, I would have to wait until July, and I don't want to do that as I feel I really need it. STEPPS is 5 months long, so I don't want to wait until it is over to start the infertility stuff.

All of that is going on top of all my normal work stress. I had been looking for a new job, but with STEPPS, I don't think it would be good for me to switch jobs because I wouldn't be able to attend the group. That means at least 5 more stressful months at my current job. Also, you have to be at most jobs for a year before you get FMLA leave and maternity leave, so I would be in trouble if I switched and then got pregnant right away. I HATE feeling like I am stuck!