I had added this to the other thread about intrusive thoughts, but thought I might elaborate and post it here. Sometimes I can handle them and sometimes they are overwhelming. My biggest problem, though is that when I get overwhelmed by the thoughts I begin acting on them.

For example, I am going through the thougts and motions lately of cutting my left wrist open. I have the thought, the desire and the means. I have been pressing a knife or a razor blade against my wrist whenever I get the chance. I have been ordered by my T to call 24/7 before I hurt myself. I promised I would. I am having trouble picturing calling my T because I have the fantasy so strongly planned out. That's why I have been "mock cutting".

I don't want to die. I just want to come close.

The weirdest thing is that I am not depressed in the slightest. I spent the winter totally depressed, but came out of it and started feeling better in March. Right now, I can enjoy things, be ok at social events, and I am feeling generally good. So I think I am not dealing with any mania right now, although I have been a little more irritable than normal.