I can identify with what you are going thru. With how it seems to be an outside force trying to destroy you. I used to battle it all the time. I would placate the monster, acting like I was going to go along with it, agree with it, give it it's way, just to find some sense of peace. As it was plotting my death, I was finding ways to trick it into staying alive. Life was so exhausting back then. The plotting and planning. But I survived it. I just had to stay alive long enough to make it thru the depressive cycles. I didnt know that I was going to make it thru the last one tho. I finally had to ask for help. I got on meds. Got a T. Thank god the meds worked. I never thought I would ever see light in all that darkness. Thought the hole was too deep to ever find my way out of. But I did. Its possible. Dont ever give up.

Hugs.