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Im not exactly sure what kind of mood im in right now. I think reflective is a good word to describe it. My sister and I got into a huge fight earlier this evening about the stupidest ***** which brought up deeper issues.
I feel ashamed for saying the things I did. Not because they were false, no i was extremely honest, but because they were hurtful. Thats my problem i think. Im afraid of hurting people and thats slowly eating away at me because I hold on to everything im feeling. But when it does come out it does triple the damage because the resentment and anger grows.
But I don't understand where the anxiety comes from with telling people how I feel in the first place. Why is it so hard? Why do I wait until I can't hold it in anymore? In my mind I know its healthy. In my mind I know its better to confront things head on before they get bad but theres something in me afraid of bringing it to the surface. But my head doesn't usually win out when it comes to stuff like that, my insecurities and guilt do.
Ultimately I think im afraid of being judged or losing people I care about. Im so insecure lately. I feel like im insignificant compared to other people so why would what I have to say matter, or why would they want to hear what I have to say in the first place?
sooo im not exactly sure what im asking (if im even asking anything). Im just disappointed in myself and feel stupid with my inability to confront the people who mean the most to me without breaking down. Oh well Im gonna wrap up this novel now.
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"If love was a raindrop, i'd send you a shower. If a hug was a second, I’d send you an hour. If a smile was water I’d send you the sea. If you needed a friend, I’d send you me"
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