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Hi
I have diagnosed with mild Asperger’s syndrome, but that not why I’m writing this. For as long as I can remember I have had this… well… for the lack of better word I call it “hysteria” I always have had it, but in the past 5 or 6 years ago it got to point where I can no longer control it.
I believe it all started from my childhood & I believe that the most largest factor to this has been my father. My father has a problem, a problem that many parents do, a problem that I just don’t feel comfortable to say. My mother has always been against this, rather fanatically so, but she has long ago given up to try to fix it. So instead she has taught me that this problem my father has is a bad thing, a very bad thing. I know this & I will never share my father’s problem, I think it’s disgusting, but it’s a problem that many father has it, but this is not the point. The point is that my mother can’t stand this & as a result has many, many times gotten to fight with my father because of it. These said fights fortunately never has escalated from simple yelling, shouting & crying, but seeing my parent’s fight is something that really, really, really hurts me. I just get awful feeling about it. & this has happened trough out my whole life, but even this is not the real problem, merely the origin to this “hysteria” that I have. Or the very least what I consider to be the origin.
Here is the real problem: Every time I see my father doing he’s problem, or when I even suspect that he’s doing it, my mind just starts to going in circles. Or atleast it used to be only then, now… now this “hysteria” can come at any time… even as I now write this right now. When this it happens, my mind is instantly filled with thought like “Is he doing it again?” “Will there be a fight?” “What if this is the last fight & my father leaves us?” “How could I possibly support my mother?” “I can’t get a job from this place!” “I have no qualification to get a job!” “Will my mother commit suicide?” “What will I do she does that?” I can’t live without her!” “I can’t live without my father!”
All these & so many other similar questions, fears, delusions start to fill my mind, then I start to remember my past… I remember every… EVERY negative thing that has ever happened to me starting from the most earliest memories to this present day. I start to recall every bad, sad, embarrassing, painful memory that I can think of & it just circles around, around, around, around, around… I just never stop… all I can think of that moment is my bad memories & this can go on hours… Eventually I simply exhaust myself & I go to bed, where I either collapse to sleep immediately or I cry myself to sleep.
I have tried to fix this… I really have. I have tried everything that I can possibly do. But ultimately all I can do is to delay it. I have noticed that if playing computer games all day, I don’t have time to think… anything. For the past 5 or so my life has been exactly like this: I wake up in about 13:00 or 15:00 & make something to eat. Then I go to my room & start to play computer games. I play, I play & I play all day from the moment of my waking up I play games to around 5:00 or 6:00 to morning to the point where my brain is simply so exhausted that I can barely stand up & walk to my bed, I just barely manage to get to my bed & I instantly fall to sleep, but at least I don’t have chance to remember. I won’t allow myself to think. I simply immerse myself to games so much that my thoughts literally seace to exist in real world, for a moment I can be someone or something else. For a while I can be a Drow transmuter wizard, saving a neverwinter from the legions of the chimera. For a while I can be a multitasking my resource gathering, unit production & my burrowed Zerg ambush units until I can send the next big zerg rush wave upon my enemies. For a while I can be a Necromancer, raising my fallen enemies as a skeletons & skeleton mages, then leading them in sewers of Lut Gholein to find & destroy the monster that has been terrorizing that town. These & many, many, many & many other things that I am at that moment, just so that I don’t allow my self a chance to think.
But it is not enough… I have had this “hysteria” so long & so many times & I have denied myself the reality so long that I have no longer any other memories that my games & my hysteria. I no longer have memories! A few months (I think) ago I created a list of all my good memories or the very least, memories that aren’t bad. I’m looking that list right now & it literally has only 6 entries… 6!!! 3 of them aren’t even good memories, they are the memories of when an insect called Tukkimiehentäi (Hylobius abietis) somehow managed to attached itself to my nose & the other one is when a frog got to our house & started a small commotion with my parent’s & the quests. & the last one is when my father found an bat near our house & decided to show it to us. The remaining memories are “Good” memories but there is only 3 off them!?!?! How? how can I not remember anything other than those 6 Good/Neutral memories? I swear upon my parents & my grandmother that I literally cannot remember anything else that dosen’t involve my bad memories or the fear of my “hysteria”… The bad memories? I can’t bring myself write about them… I already feel bad. even discussing about them.
The worst part is that my fears are mostly… no… I should say completely groundless. I know that both my father & my mother love me very much. I know that my life should not be that bad. I have a home, parent’s that love me, my own room, personal objects & some money. My father is trying to minimize he’s problem. I’m not joking, despite he having this problem for so long time he is actually trying to end this problem of hes. I’ve seen it & he is very sorry about it. I know he can do it… maybe. He had another problem before: smoking, but he managed to quit it. So why I can’t see it? No wait… Why I can’t except it? I just can’t… I don’t know why, but no matter how much my father improves or how good my life would became. This “Hysteria” just comes back everytime I allow myself a moment of reality… I can’t stop myself from thinking about it.
I know that I have an Asperger’s syndrome, but this is not part of it… I don’t know what it is… all I know is that I have it & I can’t get rid of it, not the lack of trying though. I’m scared… of myself.I don’t want to this to go on. & because of I love my parents I have kept it hidden. I don’t want them to know the full scale of my “hysteria” I feared that they would think me insane & send me away or would get divorce. Until the other night at least.
The other night I let it all out… I had another “Hysteria” nothing even happened, all that happened was that my father got a “friend” to visit, but it was enough for me to start thinking… But I could not go on anymore… I could not take this any longer… I simply had no more strength to go on… So I went to my mother & let it all out… I told her everything… Everything… I told her about my thoughts, my fear, my delusions, my memories… I told her everything. Later when I had calmed a bit I was going to my room, my father was at the hallway. He too had been listening my “Hysteria” I just collapsed to the floor & started apologizing … I kept repeating “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry” I don’t know how long I was at that state but when I came to my senses it was a morning.
A day went by… nothing happened… as if nothing had happened at all last night. Finally as I was going to room to play myself to sleep (as always) my mother asked me “Are you alright?” “No, no I’m not. Nothing has changed” I said. We talked again what had happed last night & I somehow managed to keep my self-collected enough to speak about it, without falling to “Hysteria” again. I don’t know how I did it… but I did. The most disturbing think is that later when my father came back he told that what I said during my hysteria, are some of them are not exactly what happened, that some of my memories are wrong or small things that were just one time “anger words” that ultimately had no meaning. I believed him… I believed every word my parents said… It was at that moment that I realized that my “hysteria” is far worse that I thought. I thought me bad memories are like horrible time-capsule frozen in time forever in my mind to preserve those moments, exactly as they were back then. But now I know this is not true at all. I now know that my mind has been twisting my memories. I no longer know what my memories are. I truly no longer have any memories that I know to be truth.
I also learned that both my father & my mother are now very worried about me. But at the same time they can’t help me… Or no… I can’t honestly say that. More accurately they want to help me, but they don’t know how. As neither do I.
This is it… my story… my condition… My “hysteria” as best as I can tell it to you. I can’t write anymore. I can feel that it’s coming back. Even now. & if I won’t start playing very soon I’ll lose myself again.
The only thing that I can add to this is that I know that human cannot live like this. Human can’t live day after day, after day just to erase the reality of presence only to do it again tomorrow. Everyone has a breaking point & I have reached mine.
This is my last hope… I have no friends… I have no religion to comfort me… I have no strength left… All I have left are my games & my parents & they can’t help me even if they want to…
Please… help me…
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