ok, so, i know what's causing the depression today.. it's really a combination of things... stress of an upcoming move, good stress from over the weekend of having seen my dad again for the first time in six months, negative building anxiety over returning to work next week after a five week medical leave of abscence, overexposure to allergens over the weekend, it being "that time" of the month, and having run out of one of my antidepressants this morning... but knowing this is not helping much to ease the effects of the depression... it is here... and even though i know i should not give in, i have basically given up on today.. just waiting for it to end and desperately hoping for a better tomorrow...

usually when i can step back and identify what exactly is causing my mental state swings... i hesitate to call them "mood swings" because i think the overall understanding of the word mood has a different conotation than our (as sufferers of bipolar disorder) understanding that it truly is a shift in our entire mental state.. not just a "mood" thing... anyway, usually when i can tell what's causing it, it helps me to deal with it more effectively... kinda empowers me to "take charge" and do something about it...

but today, i just don't care... i don't care enough to want to feel better... or to do anything to get myself to feel better... even though i know there are things i could probably do that would temper the effects of the depressive state i'm in... baaaaahhhh... that aggravates me... do you ever just feel so bad that you don't care enough about yourself to do anything to change how you feel so you'll feel better enough about yourself to proactively encourage a more positive mental state...

i don't know what the point is of my posting here, other than hoping that "getting it out" and talking through it will help me realize and want to get up and do something about this state in which i currently find myself...

for the record, i know very well there are some things i could do that might help... such as force myself to work out, triggering an endorphin rush, i could force myself to get up and get dressed and go outside in the sunshine... drive around and force myself to listen to music that typically serves to amp me up and lift my mood... forcing myself to get up & dressed etc & invite a friend over or even just reach out and call a friend... finding something ridiculously funny on tv that requires no thought at all... puruse the forums & find someone else out there who is needing encouragement... taking myself out of my head enough to try to help someone else... i know any one of these things or any combination of these things would only serve to lift the depression thats sitting on me right now... but i just don't care enough right this second to FORCE myself to do anything...

even seeing myself type these words, there is a part of me that cares... but it's so much easier to collapse in upon myself... give up for the day... wait for sleep to come & hope for a mental reset when i wake in the morning... i'm angry with myself at this moment that i don't care enough about myself to get up and "fight" for myself...

and ya know, i am a rapid cycler, so i know i'll probably be ok within a few hours or by tomorrow morning.. and even though i'm looking forward to that moment with everything that is in me.. i dread the guilt i know i'll feel when i actually feel better... which is something i have yet to figure out...

i always feel guilty when i go from depressed to just fine... like, if my mental state can change just like that, then it must really not have been that bad in the first place... which logically, i know is a falsehood...

frustrated. feeling defeated... even worse, feelling self-defeated.

hoping i feel this way --->... again by the next time i post...