i almost don't know what to say... but i don't want that to be the excuse i use for not responding...

i identified so much with so many portions of your post... what you were trying to accomplish, how it felt, why you did it... how you felt after... the shame/embarassment... and more beyond that...

once i started cutting, it was years before i stopped... i was, i guess kind of a part-time addict... only when i was depressed of course... the last time i cut myself, it was very little... not terribly deep, just enough to feel the pain and be distracted from what was going on in my head... and it was probably two years ago or more... and the time before that was about two years before that...

about a month ago, i was in a very overwhelmed place... i was literally full up & on the verge... of losing it... i distinctly remember all at once understanding why i had wanted to ever cut myself... or drink.. or take pills.. in the first place... and for a moment, i thought about wanting to cut myself ... i didn't actually want to, but i thought about wanting to... that scared me enough to realize that i was in a very bad place mentally & helped me "get on it" about figuring out what needed to be done to alleviate the pressures that drove me to those thoughts in the first place...

i agree with rohag that you should consider saving this post to discuss with your doc or therapist... or even just to have to look back on a month or two (or however long) from now when you're feeling frustrated & pent up like that again... not to sound creepy, but i "enjoyed" reading your post... well, not enjoyed, that's definitely the wrong word... but i'm glad i clicked on the link & read what you wrote...

i'm glad you shared... and i hope that it helped you to write it all out and take measure of the entire incident and all that surrounded it... i know it doesn't make it feel better, but i can assure you, i'm not the only one who read this thread and identified, viscerally, with some of the phrases and words you used... and what you described going through...