Dear T,

I want to cancel again this week. I'm closer to doing it than I have been in the past. I know I've just been talk up to this point.

But at the same time, I keep thinking about how much I miss you. It's been two weeks already. I haven't gone three weeks without seeing you in a really long time. It seems like it would be good for me, learning to better tolerate the distance. Everyday I bump up against reminders of what you can't be for me, to the point where I'm no longer sure what you can be for me.

I need to decide this by tonight. I don't want to tell you why I want to cancel, though I probably should. I probably want to test you a little bit, to see if you'll ask me why I'm canceling. You won't, and that's okay, though. I wish I didn't feel like testing your caring for me. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's still there. I still feel hurt that you never responded to my request for something to hold onto while you were away. Apparently I wasn't clear enough in what I asked for in person, and still not clear enough in my email.

I don't know what to do, T.