I sent this several days ago via email to my xT. It was the last time I will ever have any contact with her again. I didn't expect , nor entertain the unrealistic possibility of a response, however... I am now wondering if the letter came off the way I wanted it to. So I am asking for your opinions, sorry it's so long.


Ms. T,

I thought about handwriting this, but I enjoy email. So I apologize in advance. I am truly sorry for all the misplaced feelings I had and using you as an object of transference. I was a mess a total mess, sometimes I feel like a freight train headed for hell, fast and furious. I have attached this picture I wanted you to have. I began painting it when I was seeing you, you liked it. It isn't finished, I'm sorry. Although I do believe that Dr. J can help me, I still miss you. I hope with time, it will diminish. You don't give painting lessons by chance? I don't think that Dr J will see little me near as much as you did. *Can you see two T's at once? I promise I will stop after this. I picked the junk back up after our end...only to punish me of course. *I also stopped going to work and pretty much just melted down. *I currently am putting it back down, looking for a reason to move...to cut my hair,I have to lay people off soon. *Dr. J did share some of your conversation with me and I believe you didn't hate me, you always said , I don't dislike you ...but never that you liked me...that is how I remember it. *I wanted you to be my mom my friend my mentor...my protector, my warm shelter to hide under when the weather was too rough. You always said I had hi feelers or antennas, well I picked up somethings about you. May I be so bold as to tell you what I felt? I feel as though you were hurt more then once in your life, you eyes are sad ... masked only with your self assurance and esteem. You are brilliant, intelligent,youthful, charming,distinguishably beautiful , your hair is amazing and skin tone is flawless. You have some anger , I brought it out. I was never sexually attracted to you nor addicted to you. I was intrigued by you, I looked up to you, I wanted to be like you. I was obsessed at one time, but I'm always obsessed abut something. Yet something about me, I feel triggered you. Maybe the mommy thing, I was so needy, I never considered your feelings or personal space. I wanted too much, too fast .... I don't blame you. You will always have a spot in my heart for you are a season in my life. I want to hate you but I can't, you have taught me inadvertently, that everything in life is not black and white. *In the end I wish we could have worked things out , I am to blame. To have sat at your feet with my back against your knees on the shag carpet , I would have open the flood gates of all the years of pain. Tears would have streamed down my face and rested hidden in the pinks of the carpet. *I just needed to hear you cared....nothing you could have modeled would have ever evoked that kind of emotion. No amount of talking... I needed to hear it and feel human touch at the same time, my downfall. You are a wonderful Therapist and a remarkable person. I will only regret that I never got to say good by in person. My last words on my way out were goodbye....if I had only known that was the end.

Lola


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