My dad is suppose to be coming to see me tomorrow. I'm really not looking forward to it. I haven't seen my dad is 2 years. The only reason he's coming to see me is because my mom called him and begged him to. I told her before already that I do not want to see or talk to him ever again. But, she didn't listen to me. She never listens to me.

Ever since I was born, my dad has been in and out of my life. He was never a real father to me. He always treated his other kids better than me. It was like I didn't matter. And I wasn't important or good enough. I desperately wanted a relationship with my dad. But it never worked out the way I wanted it to. I started blaming my mom for it because I always felt like she scared and pushed him away from me. I was so blind back then. Soon I found out that my mom wasn't to blame for my dad and I not having that father-daughter relationship that I always wanted. It was my dads fault. I wasn't a priority to him. I realized that he never cared about me and that he never loved me. Everything he told me was a lie. He has no clue what 13 years of lying did to me mentally. I'm still having a hard time coping with the aftermath of his actions.

I don't know what to do. I'm really anxious about seeing him again after 2 years. My biggest fear is that he's going to hurt me again. If that does happen, I don't know what I'll do. Last time, I got severely depressed. My mom says I should tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid to. I have really bad social anxiety. I just hope the whole visit goes by fast so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

P.S- Sorry about my post. I know it's all over the place and doesn't really make any sense. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to get out of this post. Am I venting? Am I asking for advice? Or both? Either way, thanks for reading.