I am not sure. I think that it would make me feel more legitimate for having these thoughts. And morbidity wants me to feel what it's like to be dying. This has been a recurring theme since I was a child.

My thinking is all screwed up right now. I have been obsessed with seeing ambulances and looking in the windshield to see if the driver looks kind. I also have thoughts about hitting trees or poles while driving. At first I didn't want anyone in the car with me, but today the thoughts were so strong while driving my kids to school, that I started to not care if they were there with me or not. How sick?

The thoughts come randomly, but they sort of have a plan attached to them. In other words, I have a thought and then I think to myself that I will do it at the next commercial break, or sometime overnight. Again, sick. I haven't hurt myself yet, but I have been putting a razor blade or a knife against my wrist and going through the motion.

I really hate this and I like it. I am so conflicted. I am feeling so much pain about this, and I feel better when I have these fantasies and go through the motions. I almost don't want to call or talk to my T about this because I want it to continue. Again, sick, sick, sick...