I took a little time off to visit here & try to catch up on what you all are doing. I end up getting involved in packing & stay up for several days without sleep.....then I crash for several days. Tonight I just needed a short break from everything.

Saw my Pdoc today & we discussed the possibility of any treatment that might help me get through all the PTSD issues that I have been trying to work with my psychologist on. I asked him about hypnotherapy that his wife does & then the EMDR treatment. He told me that his wife doesn't take medicare. He knows that I only have enough money to keep going for a few more months & said that the stress of having to spend money would counter the good that the treatment might do. His comment was that the EMDR treatment would probably fall under the same situation of costing money. Luckily he takes medicare as full payment & so does my psychologist. The thing I am afraid of is that I am going to be moving way far away from where I live now & if I don't feel any better than now, I don't know how I will be able to cope with my life. His thoughts are that once I move & no longer have anything to do with my mothers house where the trauma happened, that I won't be bothered with it. I tried to explain to him that it isn't totally the house, but the anger/hate I have towards my mother for what her selfishness caused me to go through. I know, I know.....you have to let go of the hate & anger.........for some reason I just can't let go. The fact that she didn't let me be part of her cancer treatment & that she never was able to admit that she was dying (continually saying that her surgeon saved her life)......along with being forced into the situation where the RN was allowed into the situation.....I just can't forgive her for what I had to go through because of her. I keep procrastinating about trying to request her medical records & try to talk to the Dr about what was going on & to get more information from him about the type of cancer she had (a rare type of cancer). Part of me feels that that information might help me put it all into a better light.....I just can't seem to let it just go.

We added a litter of 3 puppies about 4 weeks ago. They are so cute & am enjoying them at this age. There is 1 little girl & 2 little boys. Our name for the girl is Lilly & one of the boys is bull dozer (dozer for short). They are just now getting their walking legs & it is so funny watching their little wiggle butts walk across the bathroom linolieum (sp?)....just a little slippery for those little wobbly legs. It's funny watching them pile out of the crate.....usually take a nose dive & then do a summersault. Mom is doing much better with this litter than she did with the Tammy litter. Just what I needed at this point, but have to admit...I really love them. My psychologist had to have his dog put to sleep earlier this year & is interested it getting one of the pups. I used to take my eskies with me & he really loved them. His wife is agains it, but will see in the long run. The little boy (Dozer) is so cute...when I walk up to the gate across the door, he rolls out of the crate & heads for the gate to say hi. When I go to the bathroom, he heads over to the toilet & sits there pawing in the air at me. It is fascinatint to watch how each puppy is so different in their relation with me. I am so enjoying them but will make sure that each one has a great home.

Guess it is time to get back to trying to accomplish something. I worked hard for several days without sleeping, & crashed for a couple of days....now I am back to the adrenelin taking over again. It is like being on a rollercoaster......but when I am getting something accomplished, I keep at it until I can't do anymore. I figure I need to take advantage of my energy when I have it......just can't seem to figure out how to pace myself.

Hope you all are doing ok. It's hard to keep up with you all....we all have so much going on in our lives.

Debbie