I sit here and stare at this computer screen wondering what to say to make myself feel even a little bit of relief. I don't know what that might be. I've just got to let this all out somewhere, and this is the only place I know to do that. I've tried doing it in real life, and the words just won't come out. How can I expect anyone to understand why I am going through this hell if I can't even tell them how I am truly feeling? Hell, it's hard for me to even know how I feel. Some parts of me feel numb... while other parts are aching so bad that I can't stand it. I sit here... I look around. I hear things, but I'm not really listening. I feel like at any given moment I could possibly explode.

I want relief. I don't know how to make that happen right now. No one else knows how to make that happen either. I talked to my doc... she changed my medicine. I am not feeling very well. I sit, and I wait for something to happen to make these feelings go away. So far, no luck. I've barely forced myself outta the bed for the past 2 days... and now I can't wait for the day to end so I can go back to bed again. If I didn't have to I wouldn't get up at all. The only time I'm not thinking horribly is when I'm asleep. I'm angry at the world, and any little thing sets me off lately. I need help. I've prayed.. I've cried... I've begged God to just give me some type of relief from this. I don't know what He's waiting for. I've taken all the steps I know to help myself. I have no energy to do anything else now... I don't even want to leave my house... So, I don't. I just sit here and breathe.

I'm tryng to just let someone know how I'm feeling and maybe have someone else understand. I know I have been a very needy person around here lately. I'm sorry for that. I don't mean to be that way. I just can't help it. If I don't tell you all how I am feeling, then I really just don't have anyone else to tell. I'm completely alone in this (IRL). No one else understands.

My parents are the type that think if I'd just pray that everything will just go away. Not that I don't have faith in prayer, but this is going to take more than prayer. It embarrasses them that I even see a therapist. So, there's no talking to them. My hubby is always at work or asleep, because of the shifts he has to work. And I don't have any friends here, since I just moved about 6 months ago. I don't know anyone here.

I'm just so down right now... and I can't seem to find my way back up. I'm hurting, and I'm scared. Thanks to all who read this.