coming to the realization that i'm so utterly drawn to self sabotage/destruction and harming myself.
i purposefully do things knowing the result will be bad. self harm, od on pills and alcohol, starving myself, let myself go into depressions, letting people..do things to me.
my self worth = 0.

i don't know why i do. i can't help it. this is literally my whole reason for everything condensed, just completely and utterly self destructive. i always have been since as long as i can remember. i think thats why therapy doesnt really work for me a lot of the time, because part of me is always drawn to self destruction and i don't know how to change it.
i hate my body because of it, i've ruined it. scars everywhere, inside and out.
i don't know if i've ever felt as out of control..