So I’m writing the best I can on here because I don't know who else to come to. I’ve had DDNOS since November and been able to live my life with out telling anyone I know offline, including my parents, thanks to the handy little thing called patient confidentiality. But here’s the thing. Lately, a lot of stuff has just happened. First off, I discovered that I have no memory of anything having to do with someone who has caused me significant trauma, or what happened between us. I know what happened, but I have no actual recollection.

Thing number two: my headmates are gone. And this is a lot more terrifying then the composed way in which I’m writing. I can just feel it. The thing is, Shane was the one holding all the memories about this person, and they seem to be gone along with him. And Kadee is just gone. Poof. The best I can tell, this is called spontaneous integration. I don’t know if my mind just decided to un-dissociate itself or what, but they’re gone, both of them. My mind is just completely empty. Is this what it felt like before the DDNOS? I can’t even remember.

So where I am right now is this: I have no memories of the last three years or so of anything ranging from school to the person. I know what’s happened, I just can’t physically remember it. And it’s scary. It’s really scary. I guess it was like a process of something because last night was the first night I was aware I can’t remember anything. And now they’re gone. Both of them.

And I don’t know what to do next.