I have been seeing my T for about 5 months now. In the last two weeks I disclosed (after T flat out asked) if there was any abuse. I have been calling it CSA, but really I need to get better at admitting that it was the "r" word. It happened when I was a child. However, now that its out and I have talked about it a little bit, it has opened the flood gates. T saw me today, b/c I was having a hard time from our last session. I just admitted to him that I am just still not sure I can give into feeling needy, to trusting the whole process of therapy, to trusting him.

I am to a point where I feel like I could run for the hills and try my best to keep ignoring my issues and my past. Let me tell you that is soooo tempting right now. That by running some how it would get easier. Or, I could fully give into the process.. trust T, trust the meds I am on, trust therapy and hopefully get better. However, that scares the heck out of me as well. I told T today as I was getting ready to walk out the door after our appointment.. " Right now, I am going to either completley withdraw, or I am just going to keep on calling." He looked up at me and smiled and said.. "Either way, I am here, I am not going anywhere. Keeping calling me." There was something reassuring in his answer.. and that makes me not to automatically run for the hills. Gah.. this is hard!