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Originally Posted by rebeccaclaire
So I’m writing the best I can on here because I don't know who else to come to. I’ve had DDNOS since November and been able to live my life with out telling anyone I know offline, including my parents, thanks to the handy little thing called patient confidentiality. But here’s the thing. Lately, a lot of stuff has just happened. First off, I discovered that I have no memory of anything having to do with someone who has caused me significant trauma, or what happened between us. I know what happened, but I have no actual recollection.
Thing number two: my headmates are gone. And this is a lot more terrifying then the composed way in which I’m writing. I can just feel it. The thing is, Shane was the one holding all the memories about this person, and they seem to be gone along with him. And Kadee is just gone. Poof. The best I can tell, this is called spontaneous integration. I don’t know if my mind just decided to un-dissociate itself or what, but they’re gone, both of them. My mind is just completely empty. Is this what it felt like before the DDNOS? I can’t even remember.
So where I am right now is this: I have no memories of the last three years or so of anything ranging from school to the person. I know what’s happened, I just can’t physically remember it. And it’s scary. It’s really scary. I guess it was like a process of something because last night was the first night I was aware I can’t remember anything. And now they’re gone. Both of them.
And I don’t know what to do next.
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rebeccaclaire - Im wondering if you are confused about the terms integration and dissociation...
here in the USA dissociating means removing or shutting out your feelings / emotions / and traumatic events..
integration is where alters merge together with the host.. nothing is removed, taken away.. the alters dont go away taking with them their memories / feelings and traumatic events.. its the complete opposite.. once integration happens the alters and the alters memories are still there just in a different way.
integration means everything the alter is becomes part of the host including the alters memories/ feelings and traumatic events..
example
before integration "Red" had the memory of being bullied on the playground..
natural integration (you call it spontanious integration) happened and suddenly I remembered in full detail being bullied on the playground. that memory and "Red" became one / merged together with me.
On the other hand "Dissociating" is the term used here in the USA for when a person is experiencing stress, trauma ... and as a result they have a reaction called dissociating where they space out/ fade/ feel numb.....its an automatic reaction to things you cant handle.
the term for not remembering memories that are too traumatic / memories that have been repressed is called "dissociative amnesia"
DDNOS here stands for Dissociative Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.. here this is where you have some dissociative symptoms but not enough to be considered one disorder..
making a guess here that it may be your alters were a different kind than what comes with DID. So when their job/purpose was done /gone / over with they just became part of you.. (alters with Dissociative disorders dont go away. they merge together)
making another guess it may be that part of your DDNOS is having Dissociative Amnesia where you will have memory gaps even though the alters have merged with you/ became one with you, because its still too traumatic for you to fully remember those memories that the alters once held for you. the memories are there somewhere with dissociative disorders, nows just might not the right time for you to have access to them.
Im integrated and I still have many memory gaps.. some may be repressed memories associated with having dissociative amnesia and others may be just the natural way my brain worked,.. when those memories happened they were not important to me so my brain did what ever brains to the unimportant left overs.
my suggestion contact your treatment providers. they can explain to you what type of alters you have, where they are and why you dont have those memories in your consciousness yet.