Is this a reason to live? Sorry if this is in the wrong section or very graphic but I need advice.

I'm very serious about this but I'm planning my suicide and stopped treatment. But I might have a reason to live for.

I've met a new therapist that I told I'm not talking about suicide she threatened me and raise her voice at me. I'm very scared of her at this point, but I never been so turned on ever in my life !!! I don't know why either. I masturbate 4 times a day thinking about her being aggressive towards me. I can't stop thinking about her, I want to see her.

Should I use her to keep going in life? Should I tell her? Do I need help? Wtf is wrong with me?