((((2bme)))),

Try to be kind to yourself about the tantrum. That does happen when we are struggling with something we don't understand. It is very frustrating to work through what you are trying to work through. I am sorry that you had that happen to you, try to allow yourself to calm down and make a decision that you are going to permit yourself to work through this.

I have to admit that working through memories of trama that are coming forward like this is not easy. It is so hard when the emotions get strong and yes the anxiety that can feed into that can be a challenge. I have had times where I got so all I could do is sit in my bed trying to slow down and work through some bloody awful floods of strong emotions.

I actually can remember when I started with this therapist I am seeing now and too much was coming forward with me too. And at the time no one was there for me at home and I didn't have any support so it made it so much worse. So I was really bad and managed to call my therapist because I didn't know what to do. And while I waited for him to call back I was sitting on my bed really struggling and feeding into it without realizing it. A customer called and I picked up thinking it was my therapist calling back and I was completely caught off guard. But this customer was so nice and had done trama work to my surprise and talked me through it. What she kept saying to me is to focus on the moment and nothing else to completely let go and just allow myself to be in the moment. She kept telling me over and over and told me to repeat it with her. And 2bme, it made such a difference and it helped me so much. My therapist never called and later said he had lost my phone number, I had only seen him maybe twice.

2bme, I am not a therapist/specialist but I can share what I have worked through and learned. I have learned to do my best to not feed into these experiences with fear and panic. And I give myself permission to find a safe place and just focus on self soothing and slowing my breathing and saying to myself that I can work through it.
At the time I did take Klonopin to help me get through these difficult times where too much was happening and I struggled with being able to handle it. And I gradually learned how to do my best to slow down and try not to let too much come forward all at once. I had to learn to understand that it was part of the healing and what I had to do and work through it and allow myself to be in a quiet safe place until it passed.
And as time went on I got better at doing that, but it did take time.

As time went on I began to recognize that because I didn't understand what was happening I did unknowingly feed into it and it was my own fear. So I had to learn "HOW" to slow down and allow it to pass.

From where I am now looking back I realize that because I was experiencing the memories/flashbacks I was also experiencing a lot of emotions too. And because I didn't understand it, I just got scared and as I mentioned fed into it. It is hard to understand what is going on and why. But now I can see that what was happening was that the emotions and fears were coming through and if I simply quietly allowed them to come through without letting it scare me too much, it was easier.

I think that it probably would have been less frightening for me had someone really explained what was taking place and it is going to ease up with time and to try to be patient. I think that the hardest part was the unknown of what it meant. If I was told that when emotions come forward that the chemicals that emotions create also come forward and that if I stopped and just went someplace quiet and safe that I COULD calm myself down and work through it and I would be ok. I know it would have made a difference if I had understood that what was happening was normal to trama recovery and it was explained to me that the reason I need to regonize that if I took time to consciously work at self soothing and do what that customer had advised, I would be able to control it much better.

Yes, I can relate to what you are discribing about feeling so out of touch from where you really are, even feeling like you are somewhere different. I began to realize what that ment and how to bring myself down from that slowly and not let it frighten me.

2bme, so far you are doing the right things, you are protecting yourself from taking on the problems of others and you are learning how to give yourself permission to step back and work through your own issues. You do have to allow that to happen and not feel guilty in any way that you need whatever time it takes to slow down and work through this. You have to make up your mind to let go of any guilt about not being able to "just" be in better control like other people can. You are doing trama work right now and it is every bit like recovering from some kind of physical injury where you have to allow yourself to sit back and allow it to heal. And YES this is different because it is your brain and that is hard to understand. But by letting yourself give yourself a big time out to work on this slowly, you CAN gain in time. And each person if different so DO NOT THINK YOU HAVE TO RUSH OR SHOULD BE BETTER OR ARE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH ETC. This IS going to take time.

I hope I helped you, I am trying to give you what I learned and needed to hear myself. I cannot tell you enough to be very kind to yourself as yes this is going to take time and you have to allow yourself to work through it slowly. Remember always that none of this is your fault at all and it doesn't mean you are failing at anything or that it is going to go on forever. This is going to take time and you have to simply let the therapy run the course of helping you work your way through this. And no, other people are not going to understand this, but there are other people that go through this and do heal in time, and many are here working through it too and can understand that it is a challenge. Allow yourself to keep trying and give it time.

((((Kind caring soothing hugs))))
Open Eyes