I'm so sorry that you're hurting but feeling lonely and desperate and scared is just not compatible with trying to restore a broken marriage. You both deserve to feel love...both as giver and receiver. If you go back and it cannot work for a third time, there may just be unrecoverable damage to everyone involved. I think you will need to go through this to find out what you really want. Saving the marriage is a bit of a smokescreen...it's just a distraction so that you don't have to feel the pain. What is the best way for the two of you to save yourselves and your kids? In the long run, it may be to divorce and rebuild separate and healthy lives. It sounds as if the affair was much more of a sympton than the problem....