dear T

I don't know what to do anymore. In fact i don't want to do anything anymore. i am so angry now and i don't know why. I guess it isn't all that important. I don't have any idea what to do to make things even a small amount better. I don't even want to try anymore. everything is twisted and wrong. i don't want you mad at me again but i cant give you the answers that you want so what can i do? so much keeps going through my head and it wont stop. i did try to answer them but it just made things even more horrible.i felt so trapped. i will try again here but i don't know what you want more information about. i do wish i had never made that stupid card. It only made things worse. i didn't mean it to be accusatory at all.i guess it was just bad wording. I didn't think and again i am sorry.I'm going to try and answer your questions.you really did seem to be so angry for some reason. I think you wanted to know what i was basing this on but i can't come up with any other answers other than what i have already told you ,and you said those were not true. but ill try again.It just seemed to feel that way from the moment i walked in that room. That chair was moved so far back in the corner. It was moved back the week before but not that far back. you never needed it that far back before as far as i can remember. It felt really bad because i couldn't figure out what i did. i do always try to be at least some what respectful,and i didn't think i was being all that intrusive to your personal space. I hate when people get in my personal space uninvited. Anyway it just felt bad and i hate that chair. but then you seemed really angry at me. the person i like to call drill Sgt T seemed to be present. Again i just don't know what else to say. You were just not you. I can't say what you looked like because i didn't want to look at you,i just wished that i could disappear into your carpet.your voice was so much angrier then is usually is.so much louder and faster. I don't know what else to say it wasn't you. I was scared not to do what you asked. I didn't know what to think. i don't want to be afraid of you. like when you asked me to take Felix out of my bag,I was scared not to. I didn't care if Felix was in or out of my bag in fact i didn't even remember i had Felix. I didn't want to move i just wanted to disappear into your floor but i was scared not to. You wanted to know what else i had in my bag,i don't know why you wanted to know but i was scared not answer.It didn't seem OK,i didn't want to say anything.i hated it,i felt controlled because i was scared,of what i have no idea. I was just scared. I don't care much for drill Sgt T and i hate that chair.



This is what i wrote in my T journal to my T i don't know if i will share it with her next week or not but i probably will try.

she gave me the card i made her back saying that she wasn't going to accept my apology and that i should bring it back next week because we are not finished talking about it yet or something like that. she also said that it wasn't fair that i was accusing her of something and not letting her know what i was thinking.i didn't mean to accuse her of anything.she also said i was saying she was being judgmental because i said she would think i was stupid.
as far as the chair she said what all you said about cleaning Lady's and clients and so on but also said that she likes her space and that is her choice.confusing.she never confirmed or denied anything about the chair.i never want to sit in it again.i will give her her space but it will be on the floor.i want to throw the chair out the window.and if it was 20 years ago i would have tried before the big guys would have grabbed me. i don't know if this is a rupture or not.I'm not angry at her or anything just scared and hurt and kind of ;lost at what to think and feel about all of it