If you value autonomy over everything, you will never know connection. It requires sacrificing a measure of autonomy to experience. You are unwilling to do this. My only question would be how's having autonomy as a supreme intrinsic value working out for you? Is that bringing you lots of joy and meaning? Given the extreme that you're clearly willing to take it to, I find you valuing autonomy over anything to be just as incomprehensible as you seem to find connection. As you would say, it makes my head hurt.