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Originally Posted by Improving
But maybe trying to be close still feels risky after the hurt and disconnection of the last few months, and that would be completely understandable too. Is your T usually responsive to you when you reach out and try to be close? If she is, then it sounds like it would be a great idea to take the risk of making yourself vulnerable by telling her how you feel ("I'm sad and I want to be close"), as her response would show you that it's not as risky or terrifying as you thought, and you'd get some of the closeness you want.
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I think I'm in sort of a permanent state of "it all feels too risky" with her (well, and pretty much everyone else). It's that problem I mentioned above...I have no idea if reaching out is OK or if it makes me too much of a burden or something. And I think my T is pretty careful not to say too much that would lead me to want to be dependent on her, because she knows that what brought me to therapy to begin with is my backlog of issues around my own mother rejecting me, and my desire to find mothering in other places.
That said, she's said on more than one occasion that I usually completely miss (or dismiss) anything that she says that's a sign of closeness/caring.
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Originally Posted by Improving
Hell, even politicians and presidents who don't really mean it shake hands at conciliation meetings!
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Too funny, and too true.
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Originally Posted by Improving
I guess this all rests though on what your contact arrangements are with T- if she's not likely to respond (because she generally doesn't, not because there's anything wrong with contacting her this time) then this would reinforce all your negative feelings about yourself and her. Are there other ways you sometimes use to feel close to your T? I sometimes make mine something, or go somewhere we've talked about, or take photos to show her, but maybe you'll have your own tried and tested ways?
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We've sort of had a tricky history with this. (I used to write a lot of emails, but her policy changed so I'm not supposed to. More to the point, though, she said that I was using email as a way to put my needs out there without really having to talk about them directly.) She's responded to texts and even a few emails when I've sort of spun out, but I try really hard not to write her even when that's the case, and I've been fairly successful. It's just so hard.
I LOVE your ideas about how to feel close without contacting her. Maybe I'll give one or two a try. Thank you!!!