I have a really hard time posting, just from fears of my own. But, I am struggling so much and so here I find myself trying to figure out how to survive in a seemingly unsurvivable life and get the support to do that.

That said, I guess I need some support. I have always wanted support, always needed it I guess, though admitting that is sometimes harder than anything else.

I have DID, PTSD, depression, an eating disorder, and I self injure (though that is getting better). The first year (or two or three), I spent more time in denial of any and all of these things than I spent doing anything else I guess. My t has said I have come a long way from when I first started, but it often feels like a "two steps forward, one step backward" process.

Recently some things have been going on in my life that are causing major distress in my brain, more so than normal I guess. People dying is causing major triggers at a time when it should feel safer because they are gone. Things are coming to my brain that I did not know existed and it's causing more stuff, like a domino effect.

Even at home, I live on constant eggshells, waiting for the inevitable to happen. And it does. The problem is that I never know when stuff will happen and so I live day to day waiting for it, trying to be relieved when it doesn't happen, and yet realizing that it causes more fear because that just means it hasn't happened. Blow ups are almost a relief in that I know I then will have peace for a couple days.

I don't even know what I am asking for here. I guess a connection, an understanding, maybe someone who has been there done that and can offer hope.

Thank you for reading.