I understand a lot of this wantto.

Even at home, I live on constant eggshells, waiting for the inevitable to happen. And it does. The problem is that I never know when stuff will happen and so I live day to day waiting for it, trying to be relieved when it doesn't happen, and yet realizing that it causes more fear because that just means it hasn't happened. Blow ups are almost a relief in that I know I then will have peace for a couple days

I hope it ends for you soon. It can happen.