Well, I slipped again yesterday. I was off and wasn't planning on drinking at all but picked up a bottle out of habit after going by the store. Forgot to take the naltrexone and ended up having several drinks which started the craving for the coke so I broke down and got a small amount.
My wife came home and confronted me and then, as usual, berated me and yelled at me. When I try to tell her that part of the reason I use these things is that she hasn't treated me kindly for a long time, even when I'm doing well. No hugs or compliments or support, so I end up using or drinking to try to feel better.
She keeps telling me I need to see a therapist although I've been to numerous ones over the past few years. I think it's her way of not shouldering any responsibility for how I feel. What really hurts is that I still love her so much.
She asked me once what I'd do if our situations were reversed and I told her that I'd be there for her, hold her, take care of her and do anything to let her know I was on her side.
But when I stumble she just gets angry and hateful. And so the cycle goes on.
I used to think that she'd always be there for me and if someone had told me things would end up this way I'd have never believed them.
Sober or messed up, I've never done anything to her. I've never taken money from her or abused her in any way. I just keep reaching out for her help and getting beaten down in return.
Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to end it all so the pain would just stop.
I can't seem to remember the last good day I had but I'm not sure if she'd even notice I was gone.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.

TM