Where to begin??? I am going to try to be brief and hit the high points. Thanks in advance if you make it through.

I wasn't right for most of my life even in childhood I knew I was different. However I didn't get diagnosed as bp until I was 22. I am now 28. Four years ago I had my daughter and was a single mom. I was very stable on lamictal and Zoloft together. I was stable for several years. I met my husband almost two years ago and had some brief problems for a month. Then we were married and move out of state then got pregnant. I went off my meds as soon as I found out I was pregnant since I got through my last pregnancy with no meds fairly easily. This pregnant was a nightmare. I was irritable overly sensitive but the worst was my complete inability to sleep and severe anxiety. Neuter of which I experienced before like this. I had many panic attacks and couldn't sleep for more than 15 min without waking up feeling like I couldn't breathe. I got maybe 3 hours a night and none consistent. I was miserable and useless to my family. Not to mention I'm working full time. At 5 months I decided to see a new pdoc and get back to meds. We weened on lamictal and Buspar but later threw away Buspar. I felt a thousand times better except sleep. Ambien did nothing I ended up on seroquel. It was the only thing that made me sleep.

Fast forward. I'm now 3 months post pardum and feel like I'm completely losing it. Shortly after my sons birth I got back to normal and was only on lamictal. For a month now I have been a mess. I'm now on lamictal and lithium and I'm not sure it's helping. I have been dosing up the lithium and an at 600 about to go to 900 and it's been almost 3 weeks. I'm angry. Miserable. Convinced my husband doesn't love me even though when I have rational moments I know that's not true. However when I'm in the throws I'm positive he hates me and doesn't love me...delusion?? Days are becoming unbearable and I feel like I new to go away to save everyone.

I feel so out of control and it feels like not only am I worse than ever before but that I will never feel right again.

I angry. I'm sad. I'm short tempered. I'm blowing everything off. I loathe myself. And nothing in my world feels ok.