I've been mentally ill for a long time now, let's say for as long as I can remember. My main problem is social anxiety. It used to be so bad, I've been completely avoidant of every kind of social contact for years. I still have periods of time when I isolate myself completely from the rest of the world.

All this isolation has made me kind of different in many aspects. I eat differently, I dress differently, I cut and dye my hair differently. And I also find most people irritatingly dull and shallow. I don't understand the formalities, the useless chit-chat, the fake politeness of the "How are you?"s that are required in our society. I don't see the point of asking somebody I don't know and don't care about how they're doing and then hearing their "fine, thanks" that will inevitably come since it's not socially acceptable to say anything else.
And just like this I don't like having to say that I'm fine when all I can think about is how to conceal the fact that I'm shaking or the fact that I've been crying for the past X hours or that I can't stop thinking about the hopelessness I feel inside.

And I'm so tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to fit in at all costs. Trying to behave like everyone else when it's obvious by now that I'm NOT and I never will be.

I couldn't handle school. I barely graduated high school and couldn't go to university. I can's handle job interviews. I can't get help for my mental problems because none of the countless so-called professionals I've seen ever took me seriously. I know it sounds unbelievable, so I'll give an example. I have been suicidal for years and after my last suicide attempt my psychiatrist came to see me in the ICU and asked in the most incredulous tone why I tried to kill myself.

And again I'm tired of not being understood. Tired of trying to abide by the rules of a society created by and meant for 'regular' people. I'm not made for their world and I'm tired of trying to live in it. I will never be able to live like that. What can I do? Where can I go? How can I survive? People everywhere around me keep saying that suicide is not the answer to anything. Well then, what is? What are my alternatives? Go live in a cave and live off of mushrooms and berries? Because I'm trying to think of some alternative lifestyles and so far I haven't come up with much.

Sorry this turned out so pessimistic, I'm just feeling so trapped atm and I'm in an awfully bad mood. Thanks to you if you've read this, freak is grateful