clouds and sun

if you reread your post, you will see that you dont want to die. you would be willing to live if there was a place that treated you better. which means there is hope inside you still, you know there is better out there in the world. where you are at, nothing looks good. hospitals are scary places, but they can be what you make them. like you, i am older, have little money and no insurance. i went to the same hospital twice. the first time it was horrible, i was taken there against my will, i was terrified, they were awful. the second time, i voluntarily admitted myself. I needed help. it was the only place i could go. i had a different attitude about it. i took what i needed from them. i didnt look at it as it being forced upon me this time. it was the same people working there. i just approched it differently.

so you know you need help. you seem desperately alone and in pain. You want to be in a better place and know there are better things out there in the world. So why not take advantage of one of the places around you now to get you feeling good enough to get you in a place that will give you enough resources to relocate to an area that has mental health services that can provide for your ongoing needs so that you dont have to feel this way again. no hospital can make you feel worse than what you are feeling right now. There will be at least one compassionate person working in there that will make you feel better than you are at this moment. Please consider going to the hospital. Id rather you not go die alone at a campground.......Hugs to you....