I have been in a dark place recently. I think it is another stage of skin shredding. My "introvert" and "projection" threads are linked I think. T once told me that the world is a fearful place for me because I project all my fears into the world around me so it then gets muliplied and comes back to me a thousand fold worse.

When in a group I feel terrible, I feel like I have lost my sense of "- am" and others become everything I fear.

My narcissitc mother projected her "faults" into me and I don't know why, but I acted them out afterwards. Instead of being the oPpersite to who she said I was, I became what she said I was.

As an adult I still do this, repeating in a desperate attempt at redemption I imagine. Perhaps projection was a learned defence? Like pavlovs dog? But that sounds insane, but it fits.

I think I need isolation to learn who I am, warts and all. Perhaps as a former addict projection is the route cause? I give away all parts of myself and looked to fill the painful emptiness with substences? That certainly makes sense.

T has spoken to me about the defence of projection, but I never truly "got it", suddenly like a lightbulb going on bits and pieces are connecting not fully understanding it, but realising this is why I hurt so much.