Quote:
Originally Posted by *freak*
I've been mentally ill for a long time now, let's say for as long as I can remember. My main problem is social anxiety. It used to be so bad, I've been completely avoidant of every kind of social contact for years. I still have periods of time when I isolate myself completely from the rest of the world.
All this isolation has made me kind of different in many aspects. I eat differently, I dress differently, I cut and dye my hair differently. And I also find most people irritatingly dull and shallow. I don't understand the formalities, the useless chit-chat, the fake politeness of the "How are you?"s that are required in our society. I don't see the point of asking somebody I don't know and don't care about how they're doing and then hearing their "fine, thanks" that will inevitably come since it's not socially acceptable to say anything else.
And just like this I don't like having to say that I'm fine when all I can think about is how to conceal the fact that I'm shaking or the fact that I've been crying for the past X hours or that I can't stop thinking about the hopelessness I feel inside.
And I'm so tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to fit in at all costs. Trying to behave like everyone else when it's obvious by now that I'm NOT and I never will be.
I couldn't handle school. I barely graduated high school and couldn't go to university. I can's handle job interviews. I can't get help for my mental problems because none of the countless so-called professionals I've seen ever took me seriously. I know it sounds unbelievable, so I'll give an example. I have been suicidal for years and after my last suicide attempt my psychiatrist came to see me in the ICU and asked in the most incredulous tone why I tried to kill myself.
And again I'm tired of not being understood. Tired of trying to abide by the rules of a society created by and meant for 'regular' people. I'm not made for their world and I'm tired of trying to live in it. I will never be able to live like that. What can I do? Where can I go? How can I survive? People everywhere around me keep saying that suicide is not the answer to anything. Well then, what is? What are my alternatives? Go live in a cave and live off of mushrooms and berries? Because I'm trying to think of some alternative lifestyles and so far I haven't come up with much.
Sorry this turned out so pessimistic, I'm just feeling so trapped atm and I'm in an awfully bad mood. Thanks to you if you've read this, freak is grateful  |
Hi. I'm one of those people who probably irritate you because I greet you and ask some dumb question. If I tell you why maybe it will make you feel a little bit better. Other than the people I work with, you might be the only human being I talk to. I get up, get on the bus, work, come home, go to sleep. The only human contact I have is on the bus and at work. I talk to my cats but sometimes I just want to hear a human voice, one that is not going to be mean to me like they so often are at work. I'm genuinely interested in people's fashion choices and when I see a beautiful garment or an interesting tattoo or a great hair color or hair cut, sometimes I blurt out how much I like it without thinking that the person who has it couldn't care less whether I like it or not. One last thing I'd like to share and then I'll stop bothering you: the world isn't 'normal' or 'regular' -- it's filled with 6 billion + individuals, all with their own burdens, joys, and unique characteristics. You sound ideally suited to a job that others might call lonely: night watchman-woman, park ranger, working in a lab, painting, I can think of tons of things. Good luck and courage! Love your own unique you-ness.
