Mike, how kind of you to offer to listen to me. i got myself discharged from the hospital on a number of drugs. i'm on what you call a bridge program, where you go back and go to groups for a while. I really don't find them useful, they are so many people that are much worse off than I am, you know, ones that need care with the activities of daily living. Not very structured. They did give me a variety of medicines. It seems that their effects wear off pretty fast, and then sometimes they work for me and I get encouraged and the next thing I know i am down again.

Some days I feel real normal, not depressed and feel that a normal life is possible, then I go the other way and I get really scared that my mind is never going to be normal again. I get so frightened that my mind is going to deteriorate and I will end up in an institution. I felt like that today, and after several hours of trying to keep it together, I just let go and cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore, Then I felt normal again. Of course with the help of the drugs. So I just don't know what to think.

You know in the groups they have, they give out some pamphlets on coping and using some of the 12-step principles such as "you can't do it alone and you don't have to have all the answers," and turn your problems over to God. It kind of made sense to me and was comforting, and sometimes it helps for a while, but sometimes you get so scared you just can't do anything.

I am trying all I can do for myself to keep my mind together, like trying to keep active, not staying in bed, trying to get back to working out, getting back to my part time job, and distracting myself from thoughts that I am unhappy about in my life. I guess it takes more than a day, huh? The thing that just floors me is the switching back and forth from these emotions. One day, things seem reasonable and things are possible and the next, I am so terrified I am going to lose my mind.

I am going to start working on getting a new doc and therapist in the next few weeks.

Would really like to hear from you, it is very kind of you to offer to listen and offer any kind of insights you might have. And, THanks for listening!!

Looking forward to hearing from you.

kk