Wow...you have lots going on....In my messy life, I have realized that Bi-Polar has led me to do some things that Im not proud of-I dont blame my disorder totally, but at the time of my marriage mess, I was undiagnosed, and I think that was what led partially to the breakdown of my marriage, and not feeling like I was getting enough attention...My untreated Bi-Polar is a clingy clingy version of myself that needs love and adoring and sweet nothings 24 hrs a day in order to feel adequate. I wasnt getting that, so hence, the affair.....
Needless to say we divorced (there were other problems in marriage as well) and once I got diagnosed and treatment for BP, my ex and I became extremely close and actually did better as friends than as married. The PTSD (which I havent been diagnosed with, but it was very traumatic and has left some effects) came after he passed away in Nov.2011. Our son (9 years old) was home with him at the time and he died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I rushed to pick our son up from the police station and sped to the hospital. They let me in the trauma room while they were working on him, and I was with him when they finally called the time. Not only I have all of that in my head at night now, but I also have the guilt of what my son went through that night to witness his father that way, and then again at the hospital....and a bunch of other feelings and things as the days went on.....
Sorry for the long novel, but I am telling you this because while it has been a tangled mess, the only way that I can suggest (and that has helped me) is to break off a little bit at a time and work through it.....you cant eat an elephant in one sitting-its piece by piece...and that is how I have grown to look at this. I went and talked to a minister about our failed marriage and the guilt I had from that-it really really helped. And I have a very small network of people I can talk to about the day to day struggles I have with missing him and being a single parent and trying to raise an awesome kid......and of course I have a PDoc to toss me a pill or two lol.....I hope this helped and feel free to PM anytime....I dont know if I will heal.....I know that its been 5 months since all of this and I am starting to have a good day or two where its not constantly on my mind all day long. Blessings to you!