i've been feeling so bad lately. i have a lot going on. for those keeping up with me, i have yet to call the therapist back. i'm going on no therapy for two weeks and i'm finding it so difficult considering i'm going through a lot. i'm still struggling with strong feelings from the cancellation. i know it seems so dumb right? but if you only knew it takes me far back, it brings back so many feelings of abandonment, hurt, rejection. feelings that the people who are supposed care for you and protect you in the end don't. i feel a little better, i'm sure i will eventually talk to my therapist, i just don't know when right now, i honestly don't know when.

today i saw a really old lady who could barely walk coming out of a church..she was so cruched over with a walking stick in each hand...it was sad because she was alone, trying to walk. people kept just walking by. and she was walking really, really slow. i felt like crying because she reminded me of me. i felt like her. and i felt so ungrateful in the moment because i am not at all like her. i'm still young and i have so many years ahead of me. i am not crippled. even though i feel i am. i was sad to think that one day i would be like her. do i want to live a life full of misery? no, i don't. do i want to be so alone as she was, with nobody to hold my hand and help me with each step i take? no, i don't.

most days such as today..i carry a knot in my throat. so big that when i swallow i feel it there. i've gone to the dr. thinking i have a thyroid tumor or something but it's nothing. this knot. today is one of those days when it is so big i feel it. i wish i could get out of this funk. i wish with all my heart i could just get myself up, why is it so hard. this is not the way i want to live.