....yeah it's hectic living in the future, I find it's a very strange place to live and not just because it's not here yet but because it seems so real in my mind. It sure makes the present hectic!
most people might refer to it as worry but it's a bit different when it's impending doom panic and I wonder and expect it's this bipolar thing of being hyper alert to things that can go heaps wrong and hurt?

I know for sure that I don't cope with problems and troubles life can send my way and get triggered into a psychotic meltdown or even a melt-up and then later a meltdown....and it seems like this mental reflex to be worrying in extremes so as to avoid each and every possibility of 'losing it!'

...so it's a weird transaction...like
I exchange my overdeveloped sense of worry and any chance of true calm.... for....a life thats mentally hectic but generally free from major problems.

...this seems to be the pattern and how I'm conditioned to protect myself from me because if I'm gonna flip out I wanna get there first somehow.
it's weird because it works 95% of the time. The other 5% seems beyond my control and my manic depressive alien leaders beam me up to the mother ship no matter what I do...