I'll apologize now if this post is confusing. I'm totally confused at this point.

Ok, about the legal separation/dissolution - I have pushed for reconciliation ever since the affair blew up in my face. People here have understandably questioned my motives. She told me the other night when she gave me back the camera that she already considers herself divorced and just wants the health insurance. I called her the next day and told her that although I didn't want the dissolution, if she felt as strongly about it as she said she should just go ahead and have her lawyer draw up a dissolution according to the terms we had agreed on and I would sign it without fighting her over it. Now she said that she wanted the separation after all to buy time because she didn't want to make the decision too quickly since there may be a chance for a good marriage again if I can get myself healthy enough to be a good husband and father. Huh?

Tonight we went out together on what could arguably be called a date. She bought me a book on bipolar she thought would be useful and I bought her dinner. Nothing fancy, just soup and sandwich, but we went out and talked together like two normal adults.

The trip home was an eye opener. She told me that the anonymous caller that told my lover's boyfriend we were still seeing each other, who I always assumed was one of his friends, was actually HER. She found his number online and called to tell him about us, thinking my lover would choose me over him, but she just wanted it over one way or another. Turns out they had several conversations, and I found out some things I hadn't known. My lover and her boyfriend hadn't slept together in over two years, but in the time she told me she had made a mistake trying to reconcile with him and came back to me she had started having sex with him again. She did a 60 year old guy she said had been abusing her for years and then came back and slept with me! UGH! Knowing how nasty that feels, I think I have a tiny idea how my wife felt when I did it to her twice with the same woman. What the hell have I done!? All the time she said she wanted to marry me she was trying to use him for his money and security and me for love and sex, both at the same time! How much worse can this get? I know my marriage was in bad shape, but I threw it away for a woman who lied to me, who was never as committed as she said she was, and she was the one who made a point of asking me every day if I was still "all in"!

Back to my wife - she has been in counseling with a religious adviser, who as far as I know isn't any kind of certified therapist. Found out tonight she is also seeing a real therapist who is part of the same practice as my pdoc and my T. I have no idea what issues they are discussing. I don't know if she is just trying to get herself over her hurt from what I did or if she is trying to work on issues to improve herself too. No idea if they are working on the physical abuse issue, although she has a violent temper and has been hitting me, kicking me, biting me, and (excuse me for saying this, ladies) been very literally trying to rip my balls off during screaming temper tantrums during the entire 18 years of our marriage. I don't even know if she considers herself to have an issue with violence. Started getting old after the first dozen years or so, though.

So that's where we're at for the moment. I'm so confused I don't even know which end is up. One minute I'm evil incarnate and she can't get divorced from me fast enough, the next she's still my best friend of 20 years and she hopes I'll once again be the husband she loves. I give up. This is totally beyond my understanding...