So there was a challenge on daily challenge about listing a few happy memories from each your childhood and teen years. My list became long from my younger years even things I had forgotten. When it came to my teen years I had to try really hard to find even the smallest happy memory. All I remember is turmoil from age 11 on. Even some of the memories I remember having a little fun it was a kind of superficial fake type of fun that was a product of my internal battles (like smoking weed and drinking) its more stuff that I would like to actually forget.

The only thing I felt good about was my first full time job after I quit school at 16 (got my GED 6 months later). I took the job seriously and got numerous promotions. Anything outside of that was just a mess. I had friends but the circle of people I hung with we were never up to anything good all we ever did was drink and smoke.

Boyfriends were kind of joke it was never a good thing. I remember being 14 dating a 20 year old with a kid and fiance. I ran away from home for a week with him. Then I remember dating a guy when i was 16 that i had met in GED class and ended up working with. My dad didn't like him ethier that turned out bad too. I remember my "best friend" at the time with him and another guy I was seeing telling me that they would rather be with her. I remember being aggravated because at the time I was waiting until marriage to be sexually active and none of those guys respected that.

I think when I hit age 21(when I lost my virginity) is when I actually calmed down i pretty much stopped drinking and wouldnt even look at drugs.I really started to focus and try to figure things out. Then that went down hill when i met the best liar in the world at age 24. He was perfect , didn't do drugs, worked full time, etc. 6 months into it when he's got me eating out of his hand his true colors begin to show when he disappeared with the truck I cosigned for for 2 WEEKS he was off on a crack binge. I should have ran then. I didn't I thought we could get through it and he would stop. Instead it became jail for me I became alienated from my friends because he didn't want me to see them, he stopped working and would even run off with my money, he would say some really ignorant things all the time, he would even make me feel like **** because he would drain my bank account and I couldn't help pay rent at the place we were. Then to spend time with him I ended up joining in and doing crack myself:-(. I mean there is so much more to it but you get the jist. Not to mention a miscarriage and the ugly A word. Ugly ugly ugly years

After that i got the job where I am now. Which is 4 1/2 years ago. I've had issues letting that go and starting a new relationship. I was in one for a year but ran quick when his pill addiction and over bearing controlling personality showed I felt like crap for leaving but I couldn't handle that again. The year I met him is when the whole anxiety, panic disorder, episodes and what have you started.

I mean there are more stories to tell but how many depressing paragraphs would you like to read.

I just feel like my life has been more down with small periods of highs. That really just gets to me. That means I got make now and later really count.