I just want it back. So badly.
So.
Badly.
I want to be that girl who lost a ton of weight. I want to be the one with the blue lips. I want to be able to rest my arm against my protruding hip bone to steady myself. I want to reassure myself of the low calorie count in my head. I want to exercise until I feel faint. I want to be that girl that eats nothing but veggies and a handful of nuts. I want that back.

Oh goodness, it's been months into recovery and I've gained a LOT of weight (I'm actually overweight now- but I'm not allowed to drop because of my parents) I just feel so awful and I want that identity back even though I know it's so screwed up. Even though I know I still felt fat after dropping so many sizes and even though I know I hated the constant cold and even though I know I got so sick of the exercise and even though I know not being able to eat was torture.

A therapist once said it's not always good to talk about the height of one's eating disorder because it doesn't always bring horror. It brings nostalgia.

I think I get what she means.

Sorry, just needed to vent... any feedback would be much appreciated.