There are days I see this illness as an adventure. I always wanted to be an adventurer. Then there are days I simply wish it didn't exist and I was free to pursue my dreams unhindered by it. My pdoc installed a new computer system and my refill requests for medication got lost in cyberspace. I had to wait nine days and make numerous phone calls before my meds were refilled. Seven days of no meds sent me down into the underworld. I experienced some intense withdrawals from some of the meds. My meds were finally refilled yesterday afternoon but I still haven't recovered completely. I am still shaking and cring off and on. I missed three days of school lost in a nightmare of hallucinations, seizures, weeping and terror. It is frightening to become aware of how dependent I am on these medications. Without them some of my symptoms can become worse then they were before I was on them. It all happened so fast. Within two days of being off my meds I was a mess. It makes me question the use of them and the benefits. I wish there was another way to find stability that didn't make me dependent on someone else.