Hi there 0879.

Everyone deserves a sense of peace and happiness. And I can see in your message that the situation you are in might feel overwhelming. It isn't a good position for anyone to be in. You have been placed in the middle the moment your mother told you to keep a secret. Perhaps it's a good idea to speak with a licensed therapist help you work through this.

I know that you are feeling stressed out and would like to find a simple answer. But it's important to decide for yourself what to do. You matter. How you feel matters. You are free to make whatever decision you feel is best. But there are a few things that you should stop to consider before proceeding. Take a moment to consider your own personal needs. What course of action would be best for you? What would help you feel better right now? The last two sentences clearly are driven from feeling of fear. Fear of damaging your relationship with your mother. It's okay to feel afraid. But from my perspective, you can still pursue a relationship with your mother. While also addressing your own stressful situation. Because what she has done to you can be considered hurtful. -Towards You- Not just your father.

It isn't about the two of them anymore. You have a relationship with both of your parents and you have been place in the middle. Allow me to tell you two short stories that I've lived through where people have chosen not to speak about an affair;

A high school junior has bullied in my school because her father was relieved as bi. Both of her parents have aids. The father had an affair, which he later admitted was another man and unprotected. Members of the community knew but said nothing. My own mother was cheated on by her best friend and people knew but said nothing. Could you imagine how these two people would question their relationship with "friends" who only stood by? Now think of how your father would feel about you. Deep down inside you already know how he'd feel. Whether or not he knows you knew about all this- guilt can be a horrible thing. It can hurt just as badly as fear. I think that a part of you is afraid because no matter what you do, you will feel guilty. That's why they call it being put in the middle.

Your mother isn't a bad person. You don't need to demonize her for what has already happened. Do you want the relationship with your mother to go back to how it used to be? Being close and having fun? If that's how you feel I'm sure she'll love to hear that from you. Tell her that you love her. Tell her that placing you in the middle is greatly effecting your life

This is a serious issue and I still think that it's a good idea to look your options for therapy. On this site, and the awesome references it has. Take care, 0879, things will be better with time.