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Sorry, I am English although you would never tell by reading anything I write. So I am very sorry if you still can’t understand me.
This is clearly something you don’t take lightly and means a lot to you. What I am mostly trying to put across is before you let anyone know how you feel about them, you must make sure you are thinking clearly/ not letting anything cloud your decisions and taking everything into consideration. You say you find talking to him about your feelings and this situation embarrassing. Well then maybe you are not fully ready and sure about how/ what to do next. I am trying to get you to see that letting this carry on as it is but taking little steps at time is the best way. To let him know you really care for him in such a way. This way you can better judge how and when to open up to him about your feelings. Allow yourself time because it’s not like your feelings or his feelings will go away next week/ month so what’s the harm in holding off and looking at this from outside prospective. To see if you really are sure this is what you want.
Also can you really take the possible outcomes of your actions. Even if it’s just telling him you would like to be closer to him in boyfriend sense. I am not saying things would happen this way. But if he is not in the right frame of mind or other things in his life are out weighting his feelings. Therefore then influencing his reactions to people. He may have reacted or thought otherwise about you but he couldn’t show you/ deal with a relationship at this present time. So if you got rejected because of reasons such as above. Could you take that and see the bigger picture or would this be too much for you by rushing things. I know you said you have told him before and he is fully aware but the fact nothing has happen so far means you just have to give it time. To see how things may change. Neither of you may not be ready for letting someone in emotionally nor able to reciprocate the same emotional attachment back. So if it wasn’t the right time, it may not mean he doesn’t like you in that way. It would most likely mean he was to shy or had other things going on, if things turned out this way.
Would you be able to build back what you had with him if things didn’t turn out as you liked them to. Or risk that things may not be the same again. However if the reasons were due to other things/situations it really wasn’t anything personal. Everyone would take it personally though and it can be really hurting to have this type of situation happen to you. When you’re rejected because of miscommunication or someone just was not ready for a relationship. When it’s hard enough to communicate in the first place like you said. Let alone to then really understand your interactions with other people and why things turned out the way they did. Can you be sure you would personally/ emotionally be ok if things didn’t go the way you thought they would. So therefore just try to enjoy what friendship you have with him and when the times right you can try again to see if you can be closer to one another.
I am trying to get you to understand to just carry on and change little things at a time. This way is best for both of you and won’t hurt as much if didn’t go right. Then to have blindly thought you could handle what ever happened only to have it crush you to pieces because you really were not ready. It’s more likely you would in time naturally end up being together by letting things grow over time. However you could also end up finding out you have a very special and strong friendship and he wasn’t the one to start a relationship with. Of course things may not turn out like this for you. Only you really know and can judge the situation over time. But sometimes you have to love that person form a distance and slowly bit by bit let them know just how much you really care.
I am sorry I ramble on and I have probably really confused you but hopefully you can sort of get what I am trying to say. Also this is only my personal view. I have only had one boyfriend however I have learnt a lot from just that. So please just take what I write lightly.
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