This is so hard for me to say, I am in tears over this.
But my OTC (over the counter) drug abuse is nonstop now. See I am prescribed my anti-depressants, anti-panic meds and my sleep aid. I am so lonely that I want to sleep my life away so on top of my prescribed meds I take these OTC meds (dramamine and tylenol).
See let me explain my situation so you can understand me better.
I don't drive, my only friend works over 40 hours a week, I live far away from places in a not so safe neighborhood, not near the bus system. Walking is not an option cause of the neighborhood I live in is not safe, I don't work cause of anxiety/panic disorder. I have applied for social security disability back in Jan. nothing yet
Okay so, I met a guy online (not this site) who I really like but he has been playing mind games with me, one minute talks to me the next he is distant from me. he has been hot and cold towards me and that has hurt me deeply and he knows my feelings.
So as you can see I am very very lonely, so lonely that all i want to do is take the drugs, sleep and if they kill me oh well. I can't stop. The hospitals here are scary especially for someone like me with no income and no insurance, I had a friend who went to one here and they treated her like crap and she said she was scared out of her mind.
The reason that I do want to die cause of the loneliness, no I am not suicidal as in will I take my life now, I do want to leave to the wilderness away from the drugs and away from people who hurt me and mostly the loneliness and hope that I will die out there.
All I ever wanted was to fall in love, but how can I with my given situation, the only way is online. I have ran into some pretty creepy guys online, I am in my upper 30's and I have never been in love, WOW.
So the only thing that I have to live for, to be excited about in my life is my drug usage (OTC drugs with my prescrip drugs) and please know that I never abuse my prescript drugs, I take what I am suppose to take. But I want that high so badly I take it with the OTC drugs.
My family history is, mother is a 24/7 drunk, so was her mother, and her grandmother, my only sibbling was into drugs. My family had estranged me 3 years ago way before my drug abuse. I think that is part of what started the OTC drug abuse.
I feel my life under the conditions that I am in, is a dead end, I want to get high because I hate feeling this lonely.
What am I to do????
Loneliness is so painful, the drugs are the only way to numb that pain.
People say to me for me to get out go to a Church or something but I can't cause I live so far out and I have tried like heck to find another place to live, but that is hard.
Thank you for listening and if you have any kind advice I would appreciate it. I don't know what else to do anymore, except to leave All I ever wanted was to fall in love and I have heard many stories of those who have fallin in love with people online, it happens.
BTW I just took some OTC meds and I am feeling the affects of it big time now. But I am so relaxed that it has helped me to get all of this out.
Thanks for reading this.
I sure hope that no one ever feels the pain of loneliness and I hope that you all have someone who loves you, your spouse or family members cause really loneliness is the worst!