((((haier)))),

What you are discribing here is what many go through that faced some kind of abuse/neglect/abandonment/insecurity/and loss of safety. I have dealt with this myself. When I started therapy and was spilling my guts out my therapist had forgotten to write in the appointment he set up with me in his book. He scheduled someone else in. And at the time I was really struggling and I had to keep reminding myself of the appointment because I was often losing track of time and day.

I made it a big point to remind myself every day what day it was and that I had an appointment on a certain day. And that appointment was early and I knew it was going to be a challenge for me due to being hung over in the morning from the Klonopin I was taking as well as having to take care of my horses/ponies in the morning too.

So I really busted my hump to make that appointment only to find his door closed. And I sat in the waiting room for almost 1/2 hour and it started to trigger me. Then I finally knocked on his door and he told me that he had someone else in his room and that I didn't have an appointment. WOW, that upset me to the core, talk about feeling forgotten and unworthy, WOW. And I knew it wasn't me or my fault.

He called with another appointment and I did go and I told him that it was not fair for him to do what he had done to me. He appologized and told me that he had been burning the candle at both ends and it was his fault that I was right. So even though it hurt me to the core, I remembered that after all he is human. So I did make an effort to continue my therapy. But I will admit that it did effect my trust in him.

And that situation made me worse and sick too. But I stuck it out and got beyond that and I do have a better relationship with him now. But I addressed it as bad as I was and reminded him that I needed him to practice good communication and for me to feel that I could depend on him to follow through.

haier, yes, I hear you, it is very upsetting if a therapist doesn't see how much you need to have a trust in him/her. But you have to allow yourself not to let this feed into your PTSD that already revolves on so many troubling feelings of being alone, misundersood, and very vulnerable.

If this therapist you are working with cannot see the importance of his/her role in being dependable and completely supportive in your recovery, then you have to find a therapist that IS dependable. And they ARE out there.

As I said, I was very upfront about what I needed from my therapist. And this is important, you have to dig deep, knowing that your struggling and you DO need someone who can handle this. This is not about your lack of worth, this is all about finding a professional that knows his/her job and can give you what you need and deserve. Therapists are people and people make mistakes and they don't learn unless they are put on the spot and addressed with their mistakes. And what I do know is that if I am in therapy, I am also representing others that struggle with my disorder and in that I know they too deserve to get the right therapy as well.

Not only are you an emabassador for youself but for all those that struggle like you haier, because the bottom line is YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT AS ALONE AS YOU THINK.

(((((Big strong hugs for you, I am here listening your are not alone I struggle too)))))
Open Eyes

haier, this is a troubling disorder and you are really not alone sweetheart, I have struggled so much myself and YES, YOU DO DESERVE TO GET THE HELP YOU NEED here. And you have to find a part of yourself that helps YOU get what you need, a part of you that pushes and takes care of YOU. Yes this is hard and lonely but I can't say enough haier, you are really not alone and you derserve to have what you need to work through this and you CAN get stronger, really CAN.