Hi, slarah, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I feel a bit unclear about what you want; it sounds like you want to keep the dependency rather than work to gain the self esteem to live alone if you need to or want?

When I've had difficulty with my husband going on business trips and not being able to sleep; I set up the house "as if" he were in it. I usually go to bed before he does and he would work on his computer in the other room or watch TV, read, etc. So, I kept the living room lights on, just as if he were there reading or in the next room, our "office", working on his computer. It soothed some of the anxiety and oddball thoughts I'd get of robbers, murderers, etc. :-) that I would not get when he was there.

However, I know I have a problem with feeling able to take care of myself (despite living alone for 13 years, working, paying bills, etc.) so I now work on that. I am afraid of the complexity of our finances so I am working with my husband to understand them, had him write me a "book" what to do if he becomes suddenly disabled or dies, etc. I am looking forward (I'm 62 this year, he'll be 69) to a time when I probably will be alone again and what I would like that to be like; how I'll live, who I'll see/have as my support group, what I'll do, etc.

If I were you, I would get a coach or therapist to work on issues you seem to have around being alone. I would embrace opportunities when he is away to "practice" being on your own and figuring out how you felt, why, what you can do for yourself to feel better/more competent, etc.