Anika in particular raises some very good points that need to be addressed. For me, though, this particular issue is very simple: theft. The friend never had a right to take it, and she had no right to allow it. It wasn't hers to give any more than it would be right for me to take something of hers and give it away. She told me yesterday while we were talking about something else that trust has to go both ways. I've been doing everything I can to restore her trust in me. She has a long history of lying and now theft. If trust goes both ways, now is the time to prove it.

Anika, you point out very correctly that I have not discussed how my wife was affected by my actions. I have mentioned multiple times that I know I was wrong and I hurt her. The exact nature of that hurt is beyond my understanding, as I have never experienced that kind of betrayal. I know I was devastated by my lover's betrayal of me, so I can only imagine that going through that twice in an 18 year marriage must be many times worse. You state that I only tried to go back and reconcile with my wife after my lover ended our relationship. That is also correct. I ended the first affair 13 years ago because I felt guilty and knew my responsibility was to my wife and kids. This time I was far more deeply emotionally involved and I was fully prepared to end my marriage to be with my lover. When I did decide to come back, self interest was a large factor. I don't have any excuse or justification for the affair. The marriage was in trouble, I felt unloved and unappreciated and taken advantage of and abused. Part of that was her fault. Me seeking out and reconnecting with an old love crossed the line.

I can't say anything more about her hurt because she won't talk to me about it. I have asked repeatedly to go to therapy together to try to work out our feelings about each other and the situation I caused, but she has refused every time. She says she has forgiven me but is not willing to trust me yet or try to restore our relationship. She says she is not willing to work on healing the marriage until I have worked out my feelings and healed and forgiven myself. I think she is right in this, so I have backed off to give her space and time, to try to work out my feelings, to try let myself heal and forgive myself, and to find the support apart from her that she wants me to have. That's what most of my posting has been about.

My posts probably are confusing. I'm still confused myself. I'm trying to reconcile in my mind and feelings things that just can't exist together. I was in a very bitter, physically abusive marriage (she attacks me physically when she gets angry, and she gets angry a lot) that I know I was supposed to stay in because of the vows I took and the remaining feelings we still had for each other. Then I reconnected with my lover, who I knew with my mind I had no business being with, but I truly believed in my heart was my soul mate finally brought back to me by fate and we were destined to be together. She treated me better than I had been treated in many years. Even my parents, who are very strictly religious and strongly disapproved of the affair, commented to me how it was strange that the one I wasn't supposed to be with treated me like gold and the one I was supposed to be with treated me like dirt. Then came the other betrayal, the one where I got hurt, and I was left alone with nothing and no one.

Faced with the options of being alone or trying to salvage my marriage, I chose to try to save the marriage. Some have hinted, or come straight out and accused, that I acted only out of loneliness and desperation and not any real interest in the relationship. I don't have a good argument for that. I honestly believe that there is still some remnant of love left in the desire to restore the relationship, but I won't try to convince anyone that I wasn't lonely and desperate and scared. I still am.

I think we took a positive step today. After meeting again with her attorney, she told me she had decided to sign the agreement we hammered out between us as a legal separation instead of a dissolution that would formally end the marriage. It leaves her in possession of the house with enough of my income to pay for it and allows her to continue her health insurance under my coverage, which a divorce would not. We had previously agreed on child support and that I would continue the kids' health insurance. I will be in slightly better financial shape, although still living on a very small fraction of what I actually earn. I think it's the best I could have hoped for. It lets her get away from me without her losing the house or either of us starving.

That's what I'm doing to work on the marriage. This gives us space and time to work, on our own issues. She has no less than I do, though mine is the big noticeable one the gets all the attention. I have mentioned elsewhere that she has told me if I want the marriage back I have to start again at the beginning, like at the first date. That's what I'm trying to do. We talk on the phone a couple of times a day, though not for long. We see each other every couple of days. We meet occasionally for lunch. I hope once this legal separation is signed in a couple of weeks and I have a little more money that I'll be able to take her out to dinner once in a while. I think agreeing to this separation was a bigger step for her than it appears, because it's the first thing she's done that says she's willing to work on the marriage instead of just ending it. Now we have to start building up trust again that I'm not going to cheat on her and she's not going to lie to me or hit me.

Anika, I need to think about what you said about the kids. I thought the best thing for them was to maintain contact and keep talking with them but let them decide about me and my infidelity at their own pace. Maybe I should get them together, or maybe separately, and bring up the issue and apologize. Thought provoking. As always, thank you for your input and perspective.