What I have realized about PTSD from where I am now in my recovery work. I have come to realize that when PTSD starts to kick in, what we are living through is all the emotional things our brains had walled off somehow. I think about a computer that is just loaded with viruses and what ends up happening is the computer slows down and has trouble just opperating normally. (understanding that the brain can wall off this like is does is like science fiction, WOW)

Given the fact that we had designed computers to be compatable with our brains, there ARE some similarities. But with a computer, there is no emotion involved.
But like a computer, if there is some kind of virus it picked up somewhere, it does effect it's capacity to function and any new information being downloaded takes more time and puts more stress on the computer as well.

So if we think about PTSD that way, what we are really doing with our brains is we are working on slowly addressing the viruses that affect our way of getting through our normal process of thinking through our days. Only as I mentioned, while we are working on finding where the viruses are and resolving them, the viruses we deal with are attached to emotions that we do experience while we are sorting and cleaning up our brains.

One of the things I have really been on the fence about is trying to continue working and dealing with life as we are trying to work through our PTSD. I find personally that I get exhausted and even short tempered at times. However the up side is that I also get to see more of where my difficult areas are through triggers that present themselves in different situations that take place during my effort to try to still try to do what I can to earn money and get through my days. But my brain is VERY SLOW compared to other people and that is also where I feel far from what others can seem to do so effortlessly and they don't truely understand what I am struggling with.

And YES, I too just want to go somewhere and not have to do people and work and sort through daily struggles. I just want a big time out somehow. And I have come to realize that it is connected to how my brain/computer is slow and trying very hard to work on clearing these troubling viruses.

And I am also still on a sense of high alert sometimes and I am not aways aware of it. But that is something I have to work on and I don't think that I am ever going to erase the fact that I was in danger at times in my life and I had to do certain things to survive. I can't say that I know that yet at this point in my recovery. Honestly?,
I have been programed to run a certain way that is different from the average person so I have to really work on that and see what I can do to better manage it and work through it.

For a while there IS going to be a desire to want to do that in a "safe" place. Because with PTSD, our brains do feel vulnerable because our brains do know that there is a process that we have to go through and it takes time to do this. Actually if we think about it, our own brains are trying to self protect as we work through this thing called PTSD. There is definitely a timely process to it. And it is obvious we are not "just" anything like other people who can move along with thier full functioning brains/computers. And no, we just can't hit the IGNORE button, it doesn't work right now. And yes, we may suddenly get overwhelmed too if a trigger goes off and we know if it is connected to a strong emotional experience, well that can be hard to deal with around other people.

I can see more and more how this process has to run it's course though. And it is important to understand that, other wise it can be much harder when these troubling memories come forward with all the loud upsetting emotions we didn't realized were saved as well. But I have realized that as we experience them and address them consciously, the troubling emotions do lesson more and more. And I have come to realize that it IS a process that we all have to walk "through" to get to a point where we can get to a better more functional state of mind. The key is to understand that this is not perminent and we CAN get better with TIME and good therapy.

I am still working at it and I still have some pretty exhausting days. But I am seeing it more for what it means now and am trying to continue to be patient. But I do still long for a quiet place with no or very few people just to rest my mind a bit.

Open Eyes