Hello and welcome to the forums.

Self medicating is never a good idea whether through illegal drugs or with prescription drugs while not under the care of a doctor.

I think you realize that the xtc is not treating your problem, it is only covering it up while its effects last. What you need is to face and treat your depression, not hide it. XTC is nothing like treatment for depression, the anti-depressant medications do not make you feel good or feel happy, they fix a chemical imbalance that may exist in your brain that can keep you from every feeling happy "normally." This is what clinical depression is all about.

It is possible that you may need to face some things that are causing you to be depressed, counseling and therapy can help, or if the root of your problem is a chemical imbalance then medication along with therapy may be more effective. Note that therapy is required in both cases to help you learn coping skills, understand your depression, and recognize its triggers. Anti-depressants only allow these changes to take effect where they would otherwise be hindered by bad brain chemistry. This is quite a different thing then covering up the feelings of sadness with an artificial high.

To be treated you really need to be seen by a professional who can help determine what is going on and what treatment may be effective for you.

You don't say why you didn't feel the mental health community was not helping. It is possible that the psychiatrist and/or therapist you saw just did not have the personality nor the talent to help you. Sometimes it takes several tries to find the right doctors who can help. I would encourage you to try again.

It is also possible that they did not help you understand the way treatment for depression works. Unlike a medication that gives you a temporary "lift" anti-depressant medications take weeks to build up in the bloodstream. It can take 6 or 8 weeks to feel any effect from them, although sometimes you can start to feel the difference in 2 weeks. And the "change" is not a feeling of joy or happiness, what you will notice is that the regular things that used to make you happy (without the stimulation of drugs) will now begin to shine again and you will begin to feel able to pull yourself out of the depression finally. During this time, therapy will help you learn how to cope with the depression when it hits. In the beginning, these techniques may have no effect but as the medication begins to work they will start to be helpful.

You must also understand that there are many different medications now available for treatment of depression. Everyone reacts differently so while some may not be effective for you, with patience and a good doctor the correct drug and dosage can be found.

As for the long term side effects of the ecstacy, a doctor should be able to help you with that two, giving you professional opinion from what the medical community knows about it and taking it into account during therapy.

I am sorry I don't have a "quick fix" to offer to replace what you are taking now, but that really isn't the route to go if you truly want to get past this illness. The good news is that depression is much better understood now and a wider variety of treatments are now available.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing. This is a great place for continued support while you are dealing with this and can help you understand more about what is going on.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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